dedicated to an important person to me

when you’re ready, when you’re there!

REBECCA ADAMS·TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 20, 2018

An excuse is not a reason, but justifying something and living with humiliation is because you know actions and impulsive moves or messaging was completely random but self expressive. That trying to fix a problem can leave you remaining in limbo. Trying to fix and say sorry again, but then making it worse in your own mind and unsure how to rewind and put together the exact nail on the head words to hit the person and be able to be happy. It is misunderstood and intentions so good can be seen as a way someone decides to perceive. Humility becomes humiliation. Your mind is a million miles an hour. How did a conversation become so dominated by emotions and the past? How did your mind make you feel you were in a particular time and relive it again? Is it a dream? Or you confuse reality with your own mind and you say what you wish you said over and over. You learn too little, too late. You vanish from the world and nurse your wounds and confused shame. You need time to comprehend the truth that hurt. Your actions were meant to be loving, and genuine and true. But instead were vain and ignorant and thet hurt you. I lost myself on the devils drug for awhile. I let it own my soul and words and i let myself go so hard i died. I wonder if i had dwelled too much, or wanted to be missed. Because not that long ago, next to you and beside your body, we kissed. Duality was like possession of the demonic rage and pain when you didn't understand and i feared your loss. Like an excorcist, i somehow fought back. The dark side, the black moon lilith, she held my soul hostage and let my insecurity speak. I spent my methods of coping I spent the days doping I wanted to rewind time or for an angel to help me out I missed 2 months ago with promise our personal hells would end And our own inner demons descend That we had plans for bigger goals People in need and our own saving our souls It was not you who made me fall into that hole I had not learned or had a break from the ongoing tragedies and unhappy times with men I needed to learn not all end the same But it happened so fast, i felt like i lost the game I called so many people from the past I acted out and cried for help I was in a moment of final distress And nothing could make me feel any less I wanted to be the girl i was becoming Working hard and a lover and someone who was using trauma has a way to enlighten another. It was a hard road and i knew i had to let the anger go And allow people like you to show me how people can help you bloom and grow That i was worth respect as a woman and beauty is not just what society demands That i could climb out of the hole i was buried in for so long since 2015 and before end 2013. I felt a different vibe and i felt a calm inside Something felt more awake, despite the part of my soul that in 2016 had died. I felt it was time to rebuild and be your rock A good woman and not one who harbours the psychological agony and trauma that began to dominate my every life decision and isolate me from the world and friends and feel i was something burdensome. It was never self pity. but a fourth house pisces and saturn dominated chart. But then my help was not enough and i let you down too. I cried for my failure and prayed we would make up. I spent a week at home worrying where you were and how hospital went. I know how it feels. It is common and brave to ask for the help. I lost my mind in 2011 and it was a beautiful and torturous adventure into a world of mania and ttraumas. I knew you would survive but my empathy was deep. I was so angry people let you down when you were in a mess so steep I had lost myself in hopeless despair. I felt unable to understand life and its cruelty and standing between a bond using stress and fear. I am sorry that i let myself visit my past and use the drug that kills so many I used it to kill my reality and forget the head fuck but maybe i needed to go back there in order to grow. I wish you had seen me die. not to feel bad but to know how real a persons care and duality can deny So you could see me come back to life and know your life is worth more than the death paths we took So many do but this time i was saved by a mate and one many may hate. I told you because i was reborn in a way and it helped me break away from that hardcore life and i would have never said sorry to you or anyone, But i would have protected you with energy and never let you mourn a day for me. Some souls burn out and you were one of few who seemed to believe in a life for me Jokes I'd die at 21 or 25 or 27 or 31. Jokes harmless but make you question your own worth. I said things sick and wasted i do not condone Out of painful passion and possession, i refuse to blame an episode. But it's not me to say those things. My warped sense of view on people. My past and my body that i feel i dont own. Your company and words is priceless and memories of times we shared so promising and no judgment. Nothing will make me forgive myself unless a face to face apology and i will always be ready to give and explain a world you do not see. Grey areas and a lot to love and say. You deserved better than the people who let you down. Family and best mates, landlords and colleagues. People that dissed your authenticity and style. Never did i judge that. Or anyones. I felt you inside and out, a person i trusted and believed in and be honest to me and let me help you in anyway i can as i do with any friend. Because life is not worth letting our friends suffer in sadness and self hate. or shame or rely on fate Don't let me fall in tears and into a hole of guilt and shame i descend Understand the truth. Because any day could be the end. Not always brought back. We need to remember that life is hard and we can't let one another fall onto a train track Before the train comes Pick them up and hug them and direct them back the best way.

Peace out. A mix of events inspire the sorrows and the hopes to each poem. Interpretation is in your own hands and life