TRIGGERING RANT - ptsd vent - sexual assault/rape/sexual abuse - harassment - mental health and anorexia nervosa - stalkers

There are people that are fortunate enough to live old and die peacefully in their sleep, surrounded by loved ones, or die with the knowledge of the family they had procreated, or the love and legacy left behind. They live to an old and comfortable age and they die peacefully, at peace with themselves and at peace, literally.

But in my life, apart of me died over and over again. I can't recall right now the first moment I felt apart of me had died, or apart of my soul was lost, or dying. I was young the first time I had suffered something sinister. The first time I was almost dead from cardiac arrest was my teenage years when my obsession and secret addiction to harbour so much i could not explain, so much that I put a stop on growing up by stopping my period. By being fragile on the outside, yet appear strong. I was graceful and I scared people right until the times I was nearly dead and suffered going into cardiac arrest and my life at 16 would have been over if the Emergency department doctors, nurses, medical team and the admission into the hospital a third time had not have saved me. The way they saved me was brutal and physically painful. I guess to me, that was my narrow escape from being a pile of ashes in some urn or plot with flowers around it and the definition of my name - dead from Anorexia Nervosa. Fortunately, I was able to mostly recover after 4 and something years from the severity and medications and me gain some weight and I began enjoyig the social life again. I had began binge drinking after my first hospital admission. My lowest BMI being around 13 and there was a time before my third admission and near death, i ate zero and drank a bit and was so drunk under 40 ilos. Imagine 38 and 39 kilos lowest- 44 kilos most and about 5 ft 7 drinking and smoking at parties at school. But when i was in year 12, I began to drink more and despite my prelim exams and the success in my marks and year 11, after changing schools and then back again to be with my friends and not travel so far to a special Senior school that I was suffering depression episodes and my work slacked off there. I came back, i began enjoying being more normal, despite drinking and selective with many foods, i guess that year in 2005- the first time my soul had felt like it died that night, or a large part of me was killed and taken from me. Not just what happened, the situation and the way people react, rumours and a month and a bit left of school and exams and formal for good, i had a crisis in my mind about my direction as my home life was dysfunctional and I was not on a close talking term with my family at all. 

It had been so many birthdays since my father had bothered to participate in celebrating, saying Happy Birthday, being forced into photos and rarely had visited me in hospital. My sister began to hate me when the novelty wore off at first and i dont blame her. An anorexic sister, with all my unmanaged and undiagnosed illnesses and yet to come, and a high school student herself with studies and an inability to understand my own mind and brain chemistry and choices which were not all choices as such. 

So one party, an 18th, a friend was picking me up, a "friend" the same one who ditched me at a nightclub in Sydney and made me go to Melbourne, not schoolies and torture me for $50 or $100 she decided to spend on me and would sometimes not turn up and not give a heads up for a lift or night out.

Being an 18th, i was tipsy and drunk before I arrived and it's a party everyone was. I was in the awareness of whether i wanted to have sex or not at that stage, who people were and my emotions were in control and no tears had began to fall. 

The guy , a former student from my high school, we met the party before one or two weeks prior and i was not drunk, drunk. My friend who did not attend this one stopped him getting me speed because i had began experimenting, and the two friends who would have helped me were not there, or i should say a few of them. 

We kissed and that was all and he texted me about this party. I did have a crush on someone else, I remember. However the alcohol and emtotions and reaction about a stupid incident people believe was over xtc and my reaction of crying lead to a dramatic melt down for time being, but nothing parties don't see. It was a stupid moment, and i barely saw him the rest of the night. 

The other one, let's call him his real name as nobody is reading, first name- Josh, well i can't go into every detail well at times, and i won't not here, and i panic, he took me around the side of the hall where the party was inside a venue near Blaxland library and up past the hall and some railings and around , not far , he acted like he was trying to console me and around the corner casually we walked around there and it was not far, but too far to scream out or to be saved by someone properly and too out of it to fight it off, to try push him off and too weak to push him off and the no that turned into freeze and dismissed and "not heard" and gaslighting myself about if i said it enough, or what part of me wanted any sex ? He had me down on the ground in the bushy area on some cement or conrete and he just got on top and fucked me and with no condom. He just fucked me in that state where i could not push him off and wanted it to stop and was crying and trying to not have this happen and come to understand, is he fucking me ? he is! what the hell ??? and when he finished, i asked him to his face, i will never forget did he fuck me ? he said yes, and quickly darted off back to the party area or crowd was the way i saw him go. I was in tears, inconsolable and later was told he wasconfronted and asked if he fucked me and denied it. I had a skirt on with a hole torn from the sticks and bushy area that was lied upon behind the library/hall area with the cement bit i still remember beneath me as well. 

I did not go to school for a fucking month (the last month) except exams, graduation to and from and the formal dinner and due to other circumsances as i began to unravel, not the afterparty it was called short for me. 

I remember Josh texting me the next day, "hey are you ok?" 

i ignored his message. 

I had people telling me i deserved it and that i was asking for it, that i lied, that i was crying for an xtc pill and that i was drinking and drunk and deserve it exaggerating how drunk they believe i was, or how that at a party when everyone was drinking and you're under the weight of another guy and unable tol push him off and unfreeze and have the sense of clarity and confident response in fighting it off with the loudest no and fuck off or i will use your DNA and report you. Women didn't report then in situations like that, and it's much the same now. People who did believe me, felt sad and nodded their head and respected me when i said stuff about it, others still hated me for my crying and drinking and being over my problems. I spent a month in my room mostly, i felt so dirty and broken and like my life was broken. Humiliated and believing what people believe, say and reject with me are the worst. I had nobody to tell at home, i had no idea i guess i just was the victim. And then people were cruel and awful, friends who i trusted. And that women treated women like this at 17 and 18. 

I remember the month prior, after 4 years of no period with anorexia nervosa and being sick, i had my period. Then Josh raped me with no protection on and my period skipped and i overreacted as i was pregnant, fortunately i was not. The stress had caused the delay. I missed my last school days forever because of this and i was the one to blame. Rumours go around, people love to blame the target and not want to believe this guy they like or flirt with drunk, or spend time around is what he is. However, apparently the party before fears he would rape me alone in the bush were vocalised and then told me.... well, it happened after that party. 

Facebook suggested him and randomly he was brought up to me by mutual friend and it was shutter. I disconnected from my rape trauma and had friend go through a savage rape and its not her fault i dstanced my self from myself and blamed me and talked it down but i felt i needed to leave this dirty girl who had a few sexual acts non consensual and that took away so much of me. 

My introduction to sex was aged 16, anorexic, blind drunk and a 20 year old took my virginity and said he was one. I agreed to it, but i was so out of it and my hymen breaking the next day was the confirmation and i felt losing my virginity at 16 was just what happens. At least he apologised when MSN was a thing and found my details but i doubt he was a virgin. it was not statuory rape being 16 in NSW and not a student / teacher but i was so intoxicated and i guess he was too and i just kept detaching from the trauma. Nobody ever sat me down and hugged me and told me my worth, just congratulated me in a hmm way if they knew, or looked down on me. People tended to blame my lack of connection at home and my mental health and then sometimes everyone drinks, you drink that night too, and you are the bad one. 

Friends that leave you with strangers and abandon you like that are also not real friends. But who could understand the depth of insecurity and pain of trauma so young ?

I was happy to not be in hospital again for 2 month stays per time, or 1 month minimum. Anorexia took a huge amount of time out of my schooling. 

In 2006, i had began self medicating end of 2005 and now not only undiagnosed medical conditions and escapism, but wow the trauma, not just childhood pain and all that, but the rape and pain from how i was treated. I'd began crystal meth and raving with new friends who did not judge my past, my experiementing and my insecurities. I attended an 18th in Parramatta and rooms booked out and a penthouse (Meriton , i think?) it was Godspeed a rave the first night or second night, and two other nights of chilling at the hotel. 

The last night, tired, sober, over it and ready for tomorrow to head home and making it and liking the new friends - other people came back. During time to sleep, in came one of them... i will call him Rizz* and standing over me in a condom, he just came in and climbed on top. I said no. I was too tired. I kept pretending to go back sleep and i was scat and made sure it was a no but he slapped me awake and became aggressive and forceful. he just shoved it in and would not stop and ripped it out as the condom snapped and his words were you better be on the pill and the last time i saw him, except ages later one event , locked eyes in a room of people heads up and left it. It was more intense and detailed than that, but the sick feeling of this and the fact that i had copped pictures taken and put online of my private parts by someone i do not know, and all over a forum shortly after was the most horrifying incident too and over 10 or so years, even 11, it was an occasional butt of a joke and then i was sexually harassed and assaulted using sexual assault- which court calls indecent when my vagina was grabbed and held over and a boner showed to me and shouted at, or when i had my period pad played with in front of friends and my ass rubbed and told my shins showing i deserve it, and that he stalked 2 friends and i back from my 30th and he ept touching my vagina and going in the undies and the period pad and not leaving. Feeling up a friend. I also have an AVO on the other Juan that was 2 years and the ongoing grooming and abuse and harassing me, the way he manipulates to be innocent and loved and married, the way his wife hated me for using me as a scape goat when her husbanda a fucking pig, and i hate his existence...... the list of what he did goes on and i am running out of energy and emotional ability.... 

I have also had violent messages, former neighbours harass me for sex and stalker behaviour turn up, bad ex relationshups and fall outs / break ups and embarrassed myself with PTSD moments and drugs to numb my pain....

i want to make a difference, and i will, this blog nobody can see is a quick vent after no sleep.