dear men & followed by my #metoo experiences

Dear Male Gender,

I want to write a detailed letter expressing the truth about what sex is to a woman, when she opens her body up to you. Her naked body into your arms, and into your naked body on top or underneath her. She is opening up about her whole past, every sexual encounter and experience she has, whether it be the most beautiful and loving kinds, or some rather unpleasant kinds and we carry every scar, every trauma, every mark that the wounds like deep. The scars that burn our souls and our confidence as women.
We are not sharing a naked body with you. We are making a mutual decision and trusting you to respect every part of us. To hold us in your arms and allow you to have your way with us with consent.
It is the most amazing, sensual & secure feeling whether it is in a relationship, or it is for pure attraction.
A woman's body holds every scar, every painful moment & every sentiment that we have lived through and experienced. We do not need to sit and tell you every single part of what happened to us. We just want you to treat our body with respect, with honour and with care no matter what our past is. Our past does not make us the women we are today. We have chosen to hold trust over you to be with us naked and even after, even if we do not sleep together again because of complicated reasons, that hurt is still there and we shared those hurtful times, those beautiful times and our lives with you. All our past relationships and our soft spots. We have made ourselves entirely vulnerable to you, allowing you to have such strong power over us. But we trusted you. We trust your intentions and know we are safe with you, or so you hope.
When you hug us, hold us close to your body and hold us tight, it is a release within us that you are protecting us in that moment and not judging us, but comforting us. You no longer see us as the woman you wanted to have sex with, but the woman that allowed you to see her naked and to experience everything she is experiencing.
Sometimes the scars are so very deep and it takes a long time to trust, or love on self again. Some men prey on that, or judge, or misunderstand as "weak" and "easy," but those are not the real perceptions that should be seen. It takes a lot of courage to decide to open up to a man again and have sex with them, show them our body and be there naked next to them with you in total power. A woman's body is her achilles heel regardless of the past she has had and it's so easy in this day and age with social media models & pornography to have higher expectations of a body type than what is really evolved as a woman.
Men, if you feel turned off by something the woman has not done, or is a certain way, what changed your mind from the moments go when you wanted to invite her back for sex? What made that attraction disappear? She was always herself. The way you saw her at the start of the evening, to the moment she jumped out of the cab and walked beside into your house and into your bedroom. She trusted you enough to come home and liked what she saw, and possibly more. It's not about having to like everyone you meet. But to decide that once she is naked, her body was not up to scratch, or you don't like her natural, curvy untoned shape with smaller breasts and a non shaved vagina? Are you really that sexist and narcissistic? Because if you are, it is a problem with you and you are hiding something deeper and shallow sexual encounters can mean the same as people who base relationships on looks. Gym junkies date gym junkies because nothing else is important. Having things in common is important. But what about emotional connection? soul connection? understanding? letting go of being stubborn and treating women with respect that you did not seem to have for yourself.

Men, some women have a scarred past that had their sex life ruined at younger age. Sexual assault/rape encounters as a teenager, losing virginity to the wrong people, being cheated on, sexually assaulted at any age,  Many over and over. Maybe they talk about it a lot, and eventually it will stop. But the fear and pain carried through life scars and burns deeps in victims and when we lay next to you naked, we are trusting you to care for, respect and treat our bodies with consent and much dignity that has not had in the past. Some women afraid to open up and lay down for so long to the one man, find a connection, after years of mistreatment and then if you upset us without an apology, use us, hurt us, put us down, or try to make us feel inferior in any way, it can really cut so deeply when we thought so highly of your type of personality that we could trust in that respect.
We did NOT expect a saviour, or a prince charming. Just good sex and whatever else may come. We obviously liked you too and felt physical attraction in order to be naked for you. But the pain that we relive like trauma, is an old wound, surfacing, like many times before that we felt promised it would just be trusted fun, and nothing that would cut us deeply. Even if you see us a friend. You do not need to call us everyday, or feel that way. I do NOT understand why men feel that respect and being on civil terms, and hanging out so often is "needy" or "relationship" or what we are chasing. You chose to have sex with us. It will happen again, or it won't. But remember, we allowed you to have your way with our naked body and see every scar, every part of us in our most vulnerable state that takes a lot of trust and an experience shared together.

What does sex mean to a woman? It differentiates from the person to the time to the mood. But every man I know I choose to have sex with has changed over the last 7 years.
I can not speak for everyone. Apart from my ex partner of 4 years in that time, I have slept with a few other people and declined a few because my views have changed. I used to be carefree. Even after breakups, i'd eventually move on after  a few months and find someone else, or enjoy the liberty of being young.
Now, i only enjoy sex with an emotional connection and if i feel like I know the person, even if it was the first time we had met. Apart from one previous friends with benefits, I just see him as a fun person that I used to see years ago, who now has a girlfriend and is into the gym and blondes. I never developed feelings. I can't handle fake despite how attractive they may be on the outside. But he was always respectful of my body, despite being much slimmer and not bulky or tan like his gym girlfriends had been. I felt far from good enough and never told him about my secrets back then with what men had done to me. Just he could see i was insecure, a bad look. But i was confused why he had taken a fancy in me to be this role in his life. Maybe because I had no emotional and love feelings for him and generally a good listener and he loved to talk about himself.
No matter how bad i felt inside, i faked it on the outside and he was intuitive in women but also I could see a player to any girlfriend. I found him trustworthy to be naked with and tried to have sex a lot with him when i was single, and the first few months with my ex, who decided to go to Europe before we actually got together again (i thought it was over for good as he said he found another girl, who i talk too and is beautiful and married...anyway) He was fun and quirky and respectful and i felt he respected my body and i trusted him so much with it.
But slowly it became an avoidance because of the pressure began on sex in various parts I did not enjoy. Not just sometimes, each time.
Men, why do you find that so hot? Women in pain? I love experimenting with a close partner, or somebody I trust with consent. But not when it becomes constant, it's not like you are dating them or committed, and the woman feels pained and uncomfortable. It is off-putting, awkward and violating our trust.
It is on the same lines of sexual harassment because you're harassing a sexual act that we do not want to give.
It is pressuring and "no means no" and even if you do not hold us down and force it, or just feel playful, it puts us in a position where we feel we can not trust you as a man anymore. Begging for "anal sex" is not even talking about, or asking later on. It's one of the most horrible acts to be harassed about over and over.
Do we constantly ask and pressure you to bite your genitals during oral really hard because we feel good? Or to stick beads in your ass? Or to perform anything that makes you feel uncomfortable and painful over and over for our pleasure? And not just ask and pressure, but take away any comfort and joy in the shared moments to sexual harassment and feeling unworthy if we do not do it? Or not pleasing enough?
Have you used our trust to get to us? Do you understand that a commitment or consent, compromise or experimenting is one part of the deed. But not just someone who will give in and give you the "forbidden access" despite the pain and humiliation and feeling inferior and degraded? We are women and we deserve respect and we will find it elsewhere, we're not fantasy porn films for you to play with and dominate and ignore when we say "no" to doing something.

Men, some of you have had some painful and scarring times I bet. The pressure on body image and performance in bed to please a partner can be so overrated when anyone like me, love and lust is so much more. Connection and comfort is everything. Out of 6 great partners and sex partners that actually mean a lot to me, or had, I connected intensely well with about 4. 2, not so much now but at the time. The other 2 way more recent, and regardless of the circumstances surrounding them, they treated me like a valued woman in bed and kept me feeling unashamed and excited. I have made some bad comments in a fight which lowers me to the level of some shitty people. But every trauma, every scar, every insecurity was gone for a night and a day, and some other times with them, but one time each mostly and I felt like a woman I had not felt like in ages. Comfortable in my body. Embracing what little curves i have as a woman and feeling like I deserve and was worth the positive attention. I didn't have to go into detail about every negative feeling and fear that shut me off, that made me have panic attacks in the past and run off, or that made me spent my early 20s from ages 19-24 behaving promiscuous without allowing my conscience to stop me. I'd let other people label me and men, you need to understand that the way we behave sexually, in extremes - either too "slutty" or too "frigid" comes from somewhere and labels are not just for teenagers in schoolyards. I was first called a slut at home in a fight for no reason. And a tart. I never cared about it then. I was called a slut after some high school parties in year 12 where I was drunk and had sex, and one unfortunate night at the end of year 12, I was raped. I didn't go to school for the last few weeks before our final exams. I tried to call friends and apologise for drinking, but everyone was drinking. I won't go into details. The hole in my skirt was a painful memory enough and just remembering not being able to move on a concrete path and sticks and bushes behind Blaxland library and community centre. I well up now, knowing so many women have this story, or worse and i felt so responsible i just hid away and felt dead. I had been told the guy that did it was going around denying we even had sex, or did anything at the party after i left or something, after he raped me. I don't blame the things "friends" said to me because many women go through this at some stage. Or they know someone who will. Or more than once like me. I have friends that were raped aggravated and had gone to the police and lost the case. Police have told me they mostly walk free. That the system is not set up for a victim. And yes, men, it's baggage. Baggage that may freak you out. But we are on top and learning and sometimes need to be told if we're slipping into pain, but it's not about being a superman and expecting we need you there 24/7 to listen during and after sex. Once we OPEN OUR NAKED BODIES, we open so many wounds that you do not even know about. We open so many deep scars and parts of our body we fear you may not like. It's just not attractive to appear not confident, so tell us in these moments, we are beautiful, we are respected and we are awesome. We accepted your offer for sex, and we trust you. You now see us naked and are inside of us, the intimacy is beautiful and we want you to feel as good as us, or in some cases, better. I know that at times, i self sacrifice if the men means that much to me in bed that i'd rather do what is right for him as well, or take turns to ensure we both exchange our vulnerabilities and passions and that we are equal here. No gender domination. We see you as valuable and worthy and a soul, not just a hot body, or an orgasm.

On a personal level, my scars, i mentioned one, is also a second. The thing that made me a well known slut in a group of people.
Some men, and i am sure limited but some women too, have this self entitlement that if they want something, they get it. Spoilt people. Arrogant. Male Ego. I don't know. I thought men bragging about women they slept with, or even making it up died out long ago until my ex of 4 yrs was apparently bragging about women after we broke up and used my medical condition to sound like a hero and he was 39 at that time. Hurt by someone who had changed a hell of a lot even though he had hurt me emotionally and verbally, and a few times - physically, and invited shady friends into my life who maybe he had no idea they were, but were horrible men behind his back who needed a court order against them. I was shocked that at all ages, men will behave that way, will hurt a woman really badly and play silent treatment, or not want to resolve things for civil matter caring only about their feelings and not everyones. That everybody hurts, and trusting them with your secrets believing they'd always listen and hear your own reasoning and side of the story no matter what happens, or how they feel, or what they do, i just felt that was being a responsible and empathetic adult. Social media shows the side that everyone loves to love. But knowing the devil within is both knowing them so well, that you feel one of few who truly know the person and not who they pretend to be, or the side that breaks your trust again and it's one person, but it represents a historical event over and over. I have never had many friends. I go through periods of social isolation and regret and all sorts of feelings where I feel so let down and unable to control or amend things. I pine and miss people and at heart, underneath the distress and pain, I LOVE those around me so much. I am waiting to be able to explain myself, get well and trust again. I just want that connection back and whether it begins as friends online again and chat and texts, to fun things, it is the best medicine to a happy heart and mind that leads me to a healthy body. See, so many scars and men, you are not at fault always of every scar or have to date and love every woman you sleep with and if she hurts herself but you were there for her, it's a different situation. But you don't need to be an asshole. You need to listen, to talk and to appreciate and understand our sensitive issues around our bodies, our pasts, our souls, the way the patriarchy has impacted us to be as sexual competitors at times.

It's not just women the patriarchy effects, it is also men. Both genders. And i feel for the pressure that men have at times too. Men are also hurt, abused, raped, harassed & blamed for a lot of things that are not 100% their fault. Men, I know you suffer your fair share and no doubt have met some evil and cruel women who broke your insides to pieces and ruined your trust and self worth and male ego with a deep bruise that hurts like hell.
But you can be the better part of the male gender. Two hurts don't make one solution. You can see the damage in some is so far gone, that you deserve better and treating a woman like she is a royalty but without being overly materialistic and fake, it is the way to go and to be respected by the female gender. You shared your personal self with a terrible woman and now it is time to share it with a worthy one. Maybe she will have lots of scars. But scars can mend. Or not totally, but you can help them heal over and be trusted and trust again. Be an example to the male generation we so badly want to speak out to about respecting women and about consent. Be a hero because you are born to be and sadly, pain takes its time to lessen but heroes are made of strength and pain to overcome it and share your story and be the strength to women who deserved your time and effort and kindness.

The second incident, without going into more details, I remember being away a weekend and the last night being woken up by a "friend of a friend" where I was sleeping in a lounge room of a hotel/motel thing for a friends weekend birthday. We had one event one of the nights, but spent the rest of the time in the hotel out west of Sydney. I knew some of the girls, met some people there and eventually more came back who knew my friend at the time. There was only a certain amount of bedrooms and bed-space and i was 18. A few friends that went were couples but from meeting them out, not school or my home town. I didn't know them super well, but a couple of the girls, well enough. I was quite close with one of them for some time. The other was flakey, we fell out, but it was her event.
On the last night there, I was tired. I was laying down on some sofa chair/bed in the middle lounge room and trying to sleep being tired. A bit excited that tomorrow was home time. Not that I was having a great time at home, but I get over being away with people i don't know that well for a few days and who mainly were into partying. I am not a heavy drinker. I had pills at Godspeed the nights before. I was sober now. I knew what was going on and praying to crash.
Then you come in. A friend to them all. First time I met him but recognised him from dating a girl from my high-school who went to rave events and also from peoples photos online. I know his nick name. I know what he looks like. I saw him once in person after this night, he nodded hey, i forget my reaction. Perhaps, froze, nodded, felt stupid. Like i somehow chose for this to happen because he made it out to be that way and everyone does if they decide you are a slut, or he makes up his own story, or nothing is done. You expect a reaction out of friends, but they just "meh" it off like back then, an idea rape was violent and by people you do not know. Date Rape is when you are passed out. Taking advantage of is when you are forced into having sex without any consent and the man doesn't care if it hurts, or doesn't, he just holds you down until you comply or he can get it in there and go and if you scream, it's asking for trouble and if you freeze, you are disassociating but trying to get him off but he is too strong and made his mind up.
So after midnight, in he comes with an erection and a condom on. My fear now and earlier? He was wearing a condom. It looks like i want it if the court of law was to prosecute this. I could tell he was horny in a way that was far from a gentleman and far from seeing me as a woman of worth or beauty or kindness, but an object to fuck hard and forget about, or tell people we had sex the next day. I fear that the other men may have known he was doing this. I would never accuse this. Nor contact them being in 2006. But learning about rape, bro codes, justifying rape, the sorts of incidents and how easy he made it look to any court of law when he came in wearing a condom and erect, and people were sleeping in other bedrooms and hotel rooms.
He climbed on top of me. I was far from attracted to him. Even if he was a nice guy, i didn't have that feeling about him. I was also really tired and not in the mood to have sex with anyone. I told him that. I said no. I pretended to be falling asleep again and kept saying no, i was tired. I tried shrugging him off and saying no. I tried to pretend to put my head back down in the pillow to sleep but he slapped me awake and he slapped me again, and was quite aggressive about it. Telling me to hurry up. He just started holding me down and being on top and fucking me really hard. I should have screamed but it was someones birthday i was meant to be friends with. Now days, i so would. I'd  call the cops too. But at that fragile age of 18 and kind of alone, with little emotional support at home at the time, a lot of insecurity and fear and shame. Just feeling dirty. I just felt and was told "adults have sex", "all woman get raped, or date raped" and it is true in a fucked up way and we see it was my story, or someone else's story and we all seem to have one, many more than one.
He pulled out hard, and somehow the condom snapped and he got mad. He got mad AT ME and i never forget that moment. That moment of sheer terror and nervousness and feeling so low and alone. "You better be on the pill." was all he said to me and he went to clean himself up. I ran to the bathroom and cleaned myself up. I was in so much shock. I figured everyone was sleeping in bedrooms in this hotel room, or the ones across the hall. I knew one friend, i was pretty sure, had spent the night back at hers at some stage and others were locked in a bedroom doing and smoking things, or sleeping so it would seem. I just felt confused. My emotions are my worst enemy as is disassociation. I lose control over my mind in a sense that's not severe in these moments, but i don't act on logic, enough anger and realism. I didn't call the police, or go find the girls birthday it is and realise i didn't ruin anything. I had told them what had happened to me last November. The sexual assault at the party in year 12. I told 2 girls, my friends i made, and one girl who was there who ended up hating me and "slut" was a common word used, had told me to "go and get raped again" on an online blog long ago. We all used to say mean comments. I hate that as a female, I said mean comments to other females. Fat-shaming, "whore" or laugh at rumours and it made me no better. I would never tease someone over a rape in my right mind. I know back then, even now, people assume women just say they were raped and only 2 % do. Given how common sexual harassment is at least, you would think empathy and compassion for the fellow woman would be a natural. But the amount of times i had a friend of mine bitched about for her choice of attire, her good looks and popularity that would tell me "she deserves to be raped in that outfit' and no matter what she did, what she posted, or even the fact one of her favourite celebrities was a porn star and she liked to pose in "porn like poses for photos which were just amateur bits of fun, but the abuse she copped behind her back about it, just like porn stars would x1000, made me sick.
Body pride and choices apparently means a woman deserves to be raped. Ok, same event... I wore shorts because it was hot and a white singlet. I also wore jeans at some point in the hotel. Maybe skimpy singlet and shorts are not long, but it was warm and we all were. I did NOT ask to be sexually assaulted at a friends birthday and never able to tell the people there what truly happened. The next day, he must have told people I consented because people asked in the foyer leaving to go home. I was quiet and made a fake half smile. Most people were talking about some other incident and i felt dead and had no courage to really make the morning about me.
It wasn't my friends fault, either. She'd be broken if she knew her friend raped someone else she was friends with. It was his fault and I was weak and just started believing men did this.
I eventually fell out with this friend, she is probably doing well, but i ended up with a reputation especially when i was kicked out of home for bad choices. I spent nearly 2 years taking illicit substances and by 2008 I was clean from them and working. The "slut" reputation had also began i guess by being called a slut, to work at a brothel, and then pictures of my parts circulated the internet for some time that i had no control over, for all i know was edited and just I avoided online a lot. People were told it was me and i had been sexually assaulted and shamed for this, slut shamed, abused, eventually kicked out of home for my addiction and unmedicated problems, my reputation was whatever label you wanted to call me.
See, for girls, this is how it is and men, these scars from our younger years are deep inside and depends on who you become in our life, whether you hear it or not, once, never, or we hear your story too. It's just apart of so many of us and repressing it for so long is why the world is so out there about it now. People still doubt us, or any story and any "responsible looking actor" is no less predatory than your 18 year old popular jock kid, the creepy lurker at the club, the executive that hits on his EA who is only 25 and he is married with 3 kids, to someones father, priest, uncle, teacher, or friends partner even. Monsters do not always look like monsters. sometimes it takes years for a monster to show their true colours and bad side of exploitation to women and to slowly groom, or begin as "the cool friend" or "helpful", "charming" or just out of the blue in my case. A lot of people there. People go to bed. Hours on. The monster strikes. And most likely to many women before and after.
Now i feel a duty as a woman to report any behaviour that is of a sexual kind and unwanted and a constant. Indecent assault, yes. I believe and this is sexual assault except the eyes of the law have changed it to "indecent assault" and sexual harassment is a civil matter.

I lost my virginity at 16, the age of consent. I lost this to a 20 year old. Not statutory rape. 16 is old enough to consent. But it ruined my first time. Believe me, i have had some AMAZING SEX and the ages 16-18 were just shit. Nothing stood out apart from the bad. 19 was when i had sex the way i wanted it to be and then on, i have had some great partners and some i still would do it with in a moment. I know they respect my body and me. They respect women. Even if they feel low about themselves one day. They would rather not have sex that moment, then make a female feel unwanted. And no means no. Even men i declined, took it with pride and understood. My younger years fucked up my views as sex being a good thing and that they must like me, and to just hang out means i am not good enough and a slow transition and counselling has to change that. Not having a close relationship with my father, never being called beautiful, my identity is unstable and i know i can't rely on good men to blow sunshine up my ass everyday. My ex of 4 yrs would shower me with compliments, i felt idealised but realised it was normal boyfriend behaviour. But then on the downside, when he had control and he was bitter with me, the comments about growing a bigger ass and this and that started to come out all the time like he was this oil painting that would never age, never lose or gain weight, and was perfect. I looked past all the flaws he believed he had, but he started to see mine. I liked being thin. He thought putting me down about being too skinny was the best medicine for gaining this "perfect arse" he imagined. Now i notice all men are into big bums, and i just try to not allow it to consume me because i have had some amazing times with men who talk about them, but find beauty in me. And i find that beautiful and pretty is way more than hot and needing to change for one guy only and his lust and how his self worth must be low too.
I have several myself ranging from workplace sexual harassment, indecent assaults, sexual harassments that crossed a very scary and frightening line, rape, date rape, high school parties and friends stories which i'd leave to them to tell in detail. I know men who have been raped, molested and sexually harassed. Priests touching their parts, to teachers doing it, to "friends" and party friends, to flat mates and former flat mates. It never ends,

Yes, it may be boring to those who hear about it a lot, but it's not all i talk about it's one passionate subject i am learning, growing to learn more and writing about and studying about. I feel that i need to channel my experiences in a healthy outlet before i re-process these memories with a therapist to cognitive memories and writing blogs, opinions, controversial but fucking true and relatable that all genders of all ages can learn.
Men, never underestimate that a victim is a victim and your body holds as many past scars and trust too. Promise you. Your trust i feel I earn is the most special feeling i could feel during intimacy and friendships. I hold a place in my heart, whether i know the best words or actions to comfort and say and do, i cherish and respect and mourn my close friends that shared with me. Everybody needs to share these events when they are ready. It is a huge wound and when we open up our bodies in sex, we open up so much more than the physical structure and makeup of atoms that have evolved in boobs and hips and more. We open up our deepest feelings and emotions and past events during intimacy,

My ex of 4 years is my longest relationship and took up time in my life. 24 we met, 28 we split but 29 i finally got him out of my life and vice versa because of a year he had me financially with rent as he travelled. I can't be too bitter given the good times, but we are not cool now and he really did ruin apart of me inside. I feel so dead at times from the year i had nothing and so much stress. The trauma and trapped feelings and falling behind, way behind financially in everything and it's forever to catch up. Even now, i feel it. But i live and let live and know i said some pretty harsh things. I repressed so much i had never even told him about and i have began to be open about my experiences. It's just he never made it easy to discuss such serious issues with, and although he is not a rapist and always managed to meet women the right way and respect them mostly at first, his dark colours came out later. He would never have the capacity to believe his friends are predators and he used to trust them to check up on me behind my back.
I so badly wish he knew the full story. Not to have him in my life. Support would help, and company, but you can't invite toxicity back to remove toxicity and he has some stupid idea his friends are innocent people who play music and work, or are married. I did send him messages to say what two of friends did to me. He saw the message. He still had them on Facebook. He is not responsible for their actions, but by having them on Facebook, it is about supporting their actions in general. Not just to me, but to all women and how they see women. He has a sister and a niece and a mother. He has a grandma, cousins, friends, step daughters and a new fiancee in Budapest, Hungary. He was supportive of friends i had who were raped. Or he said nice things. But as abusive as he could be emotionally, as childish and selfish there, it is beyond shock and pain he supports his friends. Nobody should doubt one word agains the other.
I mean I have an AVO out on one of his friends. a PPO because we were never romantically involved despite his efforts to be and delusions. He is married, but his wife is still with him. He sexually harassed me to the point i cried, threw up and couldn't escape. My ex had left me in a mess financially and sent his friends to look up on me. He was one of the friends. Two incidents that were assault involved turning up and then appearing a bit high and wasted and overly horny, grabbing onto my ass pushing me back and not letting go even when asked. I was home alone and shocked and revolted. He was mad i don't wear sexy clothes for him. He showed me his erection when i finally got him off and told him to keep it apparopriate. It was late at night and i was scared and confused. Surely, Juan, everyones friend, married Juan ... he does have issues... but he won't rape me. He kept his pants on and pointed to his pants where an erection was sticking out and he told me off and blamed me for this feeling and that i make him feel this way because he is attracted and from now on if he has anything he needs to give me he will put it in the letterbox and made some emo speech and online the next day too, blaming me.
There was another frightening incident that stands over many. His story is so detailed and given the fact cops and law were involved, I do not name the person or want it to be as public as much as i believe in naming and shaming these monster creeps and he is a married monster creep with the same name as another sexual predator that tried to rape me last year at my 30th party. Never knew this side of them the 4 years i knew my ex. Not that I knew them well, and not that i expected they'd take it to those levels. I won't begin with the mind games, the mind control, the head fuck, the sexual harassment or the constant and filthy messages he liked to send me after fantasising about me, the ojectifying my body shape and encourage me to be even thinner at times despite being classified as underweight but doing better and recovered from anorexia and bulimia during my teenager and 20s. Including hospital and my ex knew very well and he told people and i am not shy of admitting these past issues in the right conversation. It doesn't define me now. it gave me strength and knowledge to help others, or to keep myself in check. It's hard to love your body, wear more than black and embrace your natural female curves like breasts and hips and bum. I want to please men and feel sexy, but be my true self and i always make myself slimmer and thinner, even well to protect myself from being a total woman.
I used to get so mad and defensive when he'd feel entitled to touch my breasts, comment them or say disturbing comments he means as a compliment and blame his low self esteem and nerdy existence and being bullied as why he was like that.
He was married. But had a bad ex and liked to use that to get to me and tell me about mine, who he knew was lying about me in the end. He would act supportive to everyone, and me. The chocolates at 11pm were a bit much, but buying me cigarettes and other things i liked as gifts even when i said no. I appreciated the gesture. I offered money at times for gifts, but no sex ever. He told me he had a nice tongue and made jokes along the necrophilia theme. He one day at his house, i stopped off to get something, and his wife was out. She was working. He showed me online studies and told me about my ex and i was trying my best to hate my ex. Thinking that he knew making out with me was wrong the time i threw him off, that no was no and i'd never put out no matter what he said or asked. That showing me an erection, that grabbing my ass or breasts, or making comments or even to make me insecure like "don't think lemonade or you will get fat" when he was 2.5 my size easy. I used to hold in my rage. Apart of me learned emotional control from having a mood disorder and also zoning out in stressful situations.
I never had feelings for him. I assumed he was a friend because he knew everyone and was quite well liked as a "goofy and caring, but mad scientist" and that my ex also trusted. He said i was his best friend. I never agreed but he was very guilt tripping if he was not responded to right away at times and i get sucked up and hate the drama, even if i am dramatic, i hate tension and fights and i think being alone a lot, and being the one that is at fault a lot, or made to feel i am, or misunderstood..... i just assume, shit. He did supply endone, a pain killer for a long time. Not just to me, but others. I used pain killers a lot for several forms of pain and he used to give them to my ex to give me some. He started to use that as why people talk to him. But i was feeling so bad because i was supportive for so long. Before the breakup and before we lived together. I knew he had depression and used to talk to me and i did what i could. I had no idea he liked me then and would try create more issues between my ex and I. And other people. His friend and I hooked up in 2017 and i fell pregnant and things fucked up because of this dickhead and that lead me into further depression and massive realisation that everyone that comes into contact with him about me has hateful things to say, comments, or whatever and untue things out of context and he ruined support i needed during this abortion and the power it gave me to flick him off was a relief.
Anyway, the molesting. Afte talking, he had to go somewhere and i did too so i said i'd get the next train home. He started stripping to his undie short and i went to the cool room to avoid the looking. He came in eventually and i was looking in the mirror. He came closer. He grabbed my vagina really hard and over me. His hand fit right over it like  abaseball mitt and he held so tight. He let go, eventually and i was in shock and disgust and obviously said no. He did it again. He just put his hand and grabbed my vagina like he owned it.
He acted like it was nothing and the next day he was mad at me for "using him" or "people using him" because he had to clean his wives sister house for money and was unhappy and started taking it out on me in words and remarks to bring me down because he feels humiliated he cleans for money and isn't successfully working his career choice.
I was tired of him ruining any promise of a more upbeat mood to blaming me, to calling me selfish for not disucssing his wife not having sex with him, to not being awake at midnight to answer calls and stupid and incoherent messages or wake up to disgusting and inappropriate messages about my clitoris, his wetdreams and my "delicious white ass"

If i had known better, i'd have wired myself up. I'd have kept it all. But i was so sick all the time and with my ex and the financial shit and no closse friend to help me as such , or come with me, i was weak and it was one thing after the other and i cut him out for good. Blocked and he kept trying and svaing and liking photos and using google, hangouts, every app to contact me and bribe me with pain meds which i ignored. The time he lsaid how hard it is to not take advantage of me when i was standing outside to one of his surprise late night chocolate and present visits in 2016 sounded like bad englush or a joke, to understanding he would if he had the chance. The times he tried to corner me with a hand up my shirt. The times he tried to invite me out to get wasted and i'd decline to avoid any risks and the time he would say "open" and shove valium in my mouth. Yes, i take valium. I am prescibed both valium and pain killers. During 2016, i took some extra due to what my ex was doing and with worjk, with a nervous breakdown, finances and this he used this o come and take advantage if he could.
He is dangerous and erratic. I was some conquest he pretended to others to care about and despite knowing how much pain i went through, he continued to hold me back and cause problems with men i was seeing, sleeping with, or even with my self image. He didn't see it as that bad. Just repeating something, or making it up and it got out of context and i am fragile but he is a manipulator and he wanted us to be apart.
I wish he would go back to Chile knowing he is married and fine. Less lonely than me. I know he is possessed and demonic in his own way. Fortunately n AVO for 2 yrs is in place and any breach will be taken seriously and i have blocked him and his wife on every app possible and their mobile numbers and within 2 yrs i may move addresses.
Now people and the cops know, i feel safer he is a suspect and he would be an idiot to try anything except lie and play innocent.
Not in the best way, but repressed and after so much downfall and pain, i eventually got to tell someone what happened. The father of the child that we terminated. I sound horrible, and it's a personal decision so i respect yours, you respect mine. Sometimes accidents happen, and i was not fit to be a mother yet. Financially, my health, my iron was so bad i had an iron infusion and i was at this poot point i wish i had fallen pregnant at a better time, 12 or 24months on, and things were different. But omg. And he had issues with his phone so he would message me, and i'd reply but he acted as if i never did and i tried to call and text him when i found out. Same thing.
So I had to contact Jerry* overseas who had gone to Chile to visit his mother to ask him to call me, so he did. He was really supportive. I nearly cried from guilt because he had felt i'd ignored him and was feeling bitchy and it was just his phone didn't accept my messages. So we used messenger to solve that. The pregnancy at least clarified that. He spent the long weekend with me and paid for half of it but a friend took me to the clinic because i'd arranged it and felt comfortable that way all dressed down and feeling so shit. Girls get it, unless it's a boyfriend or something. I just felt a friend could but he still offered to drive me and made me feel so much more calm about the whole ordeal.
I had to tell Jerry*, who had his contacts to contact me and no matter what he always was needed. But i was so distressed i need the father to call me and to tell him. The decision was mutual based on circumstances, although my heart hurts over it at times. I don't know why. I never really worked through it like with my ex. And we were supposed to catch up again but i was told misinformation and some that hurt my insecurity and i was still bleeding and sick from the abortion, and also unknowingly my iron was critically low.
My sister had cut me out for good due to hating the shit i get into, although i had supported her crohn's diagnosis i just wanted a lift in case and asked. Since then, 2017 in April, it was just gone for good. I texted Juls* and said i was sick feeling hormonal and humiliated and so depressed. It was Jerry's birthday so i had to keep quiet.
Communications just stopped between Juls* & I and i felt so bad and guilty for carrying this around and realising the trouble maker too,
He had been so keen to see me. I should have gained confidence to talk. But i was so depersonalised. I let them ruin me, but finally in 2018 i was in some rage, not a psycho one, but just everything at once and i called and told him the truth and about the case and so much was not what he knew. He had no idea about messages i sent last year, because he didn't know about the police reporting and what he did to me. Or the AVO and his best friend is Jerry's wife, sister. But at least he handled it good and comforting and i wish it hadn't made me look more crazy. But he knows now. I am glad he believed the truth when i told him. People hate the truth. And women don't lie. It's humiliating in all ways for me. But the truth being believed and knowing that there was a master mind and more to the story that added up to the behaviour. Not that i don't appear in different light, once someone says something about you, or even as a victim, people look at you differently. Treat you like you are different. I try to become public and since the Weinstein scandal,my last incident, or major incident .... i try to be passionate in what i stand up for and honest. Laws protect the non convicted, but it has to change. The legal system protects these creeps and assholes that rape, that molest and harass women (and men) and even in workplace sexual harassment and believe me - my first professional office job at 20- I had run into a situation like that with a Manager from a department. So, so wrong and so awkward. I have never understood why married men want to hit on young girls by sending them "dick pics" and trying to gas light and manipulate them and harass them in work hours, especially when they have a pregnant fiancee and good position in the company. He was 35 and I was 21. I was so young and look young for my age. I never had amazing self esteem, and come across friendly and empathetic and had never had a proper job like this before. I'd spent 2 years after school messing up my life and going nowhere. I eventually straightened out for awhile and scored an office job at Readers Digest in Ultimo. It sounded cool at the time, not at all. Such a poor company and that it is in publishing and printing, and also the management that changed and ruined many people with constant redundancies and unfair dismissals. A lot of corruption, and that's for another story. I fell sick 4 years into my employment and i have a story with the "Queen of Hearts" of that organisation and the stalker tendencies, the exploitation and not just me, but so many. I am sure some of them should be in prison through the grapevine. But anyway, toxic past companies do not deserve that energy and I am sure many lovely people still work there and enjoy their jobs.
So, being so innocent, one of the marketing companies "Sinnot Bros" that worked upstairs from us into the digital printing or marketing side of things. I am not so sure. Could be Graphic Design? The team was lovely and friendly and one of the more normal teams of people there. But there was this Manager & he will remain nameless or as Matt* and Matt* was what I thought friendly and just older. He always talked, or even bragged about his fiancee and on the side he was a paid photographer with a whole page and albums dedicated to it. He even took a photo shoot of one of the customer service girls.
We have this inner-company chat like MSN. It is called "same-time connect" and connected to Lotus Notes which is very old school.
You can chat to anybody logged on in the company. He started talking through there and also emails. He also added me to Facebook when FB just began. 2008.
He was a friend at first and mostly talked about our hobbies, where we lived, work, that stuff. He showed me his portfolio. The guy I had been seeing prior and was overseas, I decided and even told him about the fact he does "sexy" and "nude" photos. I didn't ask for them, but I thought of maybe sending them to my former friend overseas as a present and because he was interested in them. I didn't expect to be paid. I thought it was for fun. I don't think I look like Kate Moss, but i am pretty slender and loved her pictures growing up. She has fully clothed ones, not just topless or naked photos. Not just adult ones.
He asked what I liked. I said, I really like some of Kate Moss work. Her poses. Her cheekbones kind of thing.
That started the "nude" thing which became a constant texting me pressure to send nude photos. I said I would do it if it was part of a proper contract, but not nude photos of myself to his phone.
He said he didn't trust and that i'd chicken out. But i wouldn't and who said I need to go nude ? I reassured him that it was a suggestion in some of her photos, but not all are topless. Some of her best pictures are just her, in jeans and a top, looking gorgeous and skinny.
He seemed to use this as an opening line to both try prey on me and behave like a child.
He tried to talk to me on Facebook chat once or twice and I made an excuse to go. Not thinking into it, at that stage i didn't chat a whole lot and sometimes was busy. It was the weekend, or a day off. I can't remember but my excuse was I needed a nap so he called me a Nana. I laughed as a way to get out of it and pretended to be tired.
One day, it took ages for me to realise, he had removed me from his friends list. I didn't budge an eyelid. I thought he was half a fraud and would take photos of people professionally but try and use it to groom me and no doubt other young girls for naked photos. I kept a big distance but felt like it was easier to avoid this "typical male behaviour" in my eyes, yet it is not. It's not acceptable and not at work. His poor wife and later to have a child.
He sent me an email asking me how I was going. I made a joke about him removing me and he said it was because I never talked. I never talk to everyone on chat. Not even my closest friends, my former partners or my cousins. Nobody close. Not that I am close with my cousins, but nobody everyday, or nearly everyday. It fluctuates and like most, work takes over. I avoid sexual harassment, if not block it. I give chances for these older men to pull their heads in and realise it is not going to happen, but if not, I zone out and avoid them. I become cold. It's a defence mechanism and it protects my inner self and my little traumatised child inside from freaking out.
God, this man had "spunk" about him in a way I can see why his fiancee was beautiful and why some women in the workplace liked him, but definitely he creeped me out. And he always had a go at me being so thin.
He told me things like if he was younger and single he would go for me and normal comments like that. But his fiancee was gorgeous and i took it more personally than a compliment. He is not single and younger, and i am not interested. He started blaming the fact I seemed mistreated by men in the past. I just said I didn't want to talk about it. It's personal and I will deal with my own heart breaks and past traumas and pain.
Anyway, the email was neutral and a bit apologetic and i made it clear i'd been seeing someone I used to date/hook up with and was not single. But happy with where I was at. I didn't go into detail and avoided doing that.
The email was random and he went on about random things like nearly becoming a priest once and things like that.
We emailed during boring times at work. I emailed a few friends, outside work and inside. He told me to make sure I delete all the emails from my delete box. I think everyone does that, but I knew he was guilty and probably playing so many poor girls.
It didn't take long until he hit on me again and one night after late night shopping, he texted me and it turned sexual fast. Without consent, he sent me a photo of his erect penis. I was in shock. He claims to love his fiancee and won't have me back on social media, apologised for his inappropriate messages and there, right there, a photo of his penis!!!!
I forget my response. TBH, i think i dismissed and never know how to respond to that kind of message from someone you don't want. It is sexual harassment. I had told him no for anything about posing naked in pics, sending naked pics and sexual things. And he was going to marry a woman he claimed to love.
I couldn't even tell her. She had fallen pregnant and to this day, still are together. It was awful.

so one day at work, he pulled me aside in 2009 and walked to the shops and in Forever New discussing his fiancee's bridesmaid dresses and all of a sudden turned to me saying "please do not tell anyone about the stuff i sent and said. I love my fiancee and was just having fun. You never know who knows who and it's best to not say anything" and he went for ages. I felt so awkward and agreed to it and went back to work.

Thinking this creep would give up and realised he was a weirdo and marrying a great woman and i am not interested in having sex with him, seeing his dick or being his model for a day, or for naked pics even if he paid me, I felt relieved.
But no, the wedding was done and then it was pregnancy.
First of all, he began contacting me again. a harmless conversation turned into gas-lighting me and saying I sent him naked photos when he sent me his penis photo.
I saw RED! No fucking way! I asked many times to send me the photos I sent to him back to me. I wanted to see. I had no copies of these in my gallery, or sent inbox or anywhere. I want them. he kept trying to back out but make out I did. I was becoming angrier by the second and saw rage. I eventually just cut ties so he could not message me and I was so furious.
He tried to contact me at work. He invited me to go baby shower shopping during work hours and I knew this would be another creep fest and awkward lecture about who not to tell and bringing up what he had done. I ignored his invite and his complete existence. I wanted to report him, but nobody knew.
and his poor wife. Lucky for me, he took paternity leave and left and she went back to work at her company and a new Manager replaced him who was way nicer, quieter and not a sleaze bag.
I had not realised that he had gotten in my head over the fact he was a genuine photographer and played on my self esteem and tried to make me believe i did something wrong that I didn't do. I had removed his dick picture from disgust and horror and being so young. I dismissed his entire existence in the stairs, the foyer, the office and just forgot he was a human being. No idea how he is, only that he is still married and with a kid last i knew but that was ages ago. Probably a massive cheater and player and models are suffering at his expense to be paid and get by for a living.

Now it's nearly a year since I turned 30 and had a 30th birthday party. Not like me to organise an event for myself, nor do i focus on people who truly do care. I focus on the mistakes, the ones I miss and I crave and yearn for their attention because I feel guilty, or bad because I say things on emotion that don't come from me, or I isolate and during the time with my ex boyfriend, I did isolate a lot and lost close friends. I was so hurt to find out the rumours and gossips and felt so let down by people i thought were friends. I did lash out and say horrible things online to their messenger. I feel like an idiot and just as low as them. But the only loser there was me. I was triggered, No excuses. Just a reason. I have work to do on my trauma and mental illness again. This year has been a ride back into the depths of hell with games of Russian Roulette and surviving some form of tidal wave of hardcore emotions, unstoppable arguments and my heart is grieving for like 3 friends all the time. I just want them here next to me right now. I want to rewind the time. I want a hug like a little girl who wants her mother and not playing no tough girl right now.
Anyway, about 2 months prior, as everyone does these days, I created an event for my 30th. I had deleted all my exes South American mob. Whether he liked them, was close, or not, i deleted. Except one. He was very funny looking on first glance, but older. He is a musician and accountant and I felt really rude being judgemental like that. He was quiet, reserved and worked out my exes taxes for free and played guitar with them all at some gigs sometimes. He added me to Facebook one Christmas 2015 when he came and spent it with my ex, his cousin sister who rented with us and myself. We had a lunch and our friends / neighbours also joined us for a drink and food. I was cool with him and a man that I thought had good judge of character (not that this is his fault by any means, this man helped me through so much re my ex boyfriend in 2016.) well he said this second Jerry* (not the first) i will call this one Jos*, another Chilean nightmare living in a rich part of Sydney and boarding so the police can not find him.
I added him into the event innocently. About 15 people including me came. My two close girlfriends came to mine beforehand. We had some wine, some music and got ready to go the restaurant and venue in the city. The place closed at midnight but the venue was amazing and the cocktails and food and the people that came for me gave me a spectacular time after never really having a party since I turned 13 years old, before that, kids things. I had been spoilt after a break up, lol. My work team had a lunch and then my party.
Rumours have it, Jos* was buying me cocktails as all, it was my birthday and someone noticed he put double shots in. I had never thought ol him behaving this way and later found out he felt a friend up in the tUber ride to Newtown.I felt so embarrassed a "friend" and an "exes friend" would do this. For some crazy reason, when the venue closed and people went home, I wanted to kick on with my two girlfriends. We went to Newtown close to my home (about 10-15 mins max, or 5-10 by uber) and went to two pubs.
In the second pub, people noticed Jos" becoming aggro at me chatting to other men and not talking to him. he followed us there even though we wanted to go alone. He kept trying to restrict me and pretend to look after me, but I was fine. I barely drink now and it was a special night and my ywo close friends were with me and one a bigger girl who would beat him up in a second flat.
He was disturbing people in the pub i found out later. People thinking he looked like a rapist and predator, Stalking me around. I was a bit nervous and didn't want a drama so i tried to ignore and meet people and have fun. I have no ownership over him entering what clubs, but the problem was when the bouncers don't care. My friends smoke, I quit. As the pub shut, they went to get an uber and i had shoved $5 in the slots waiting as they were smoking. It didn't let me play. I tried to explain that it took money, but they were rude and didn't believe me and Jos* kept restricting me and holding me and moving me out and pulled me around the corner.
I knew my friends were very close. I pulled away and apparently the uber driver they had caught saw this and found it dodgy. They called out and I jumped in. Unfortunately, Jos" did too and he wouldn't get out. I figured a 40 year old man could make his own way home and especially an accountant.
Whatever.
My friends had another cigarette out the front of my apartment. I laid back on the verandah in my LONG blue dress and Jos" started rubbing my legs and arse. One of my friends was so mad and he ignored her saying no. I threw my shoes off for him to go get them so he would fuck off and have to listen. Somehow, he got my house keys from my hands. My friend grabbed them back and told him off and he followed us inside,
The shit begins.
A side of Josh* that admits me wearing a dress to my lower shins is "asking for it" and touching my own vagina when i was not looking with my period pad on so my friend even heard that. He had plans to sexually assault me and is an undercover predator.
He somehow got my house keys so my friend took them from me. Being 3 against 1, not assuming he would stay and argue and not wanting noise we went inside. Safety in numbers, and never seeing Josh* behave this way, or having a reputation. And in my mind, the no was no and a grown man can call a cab or uber home from the apartment and leave. An accountant at 40 years old can afford that and is capable.
Anyway. He was quite forceful about not going, and restricting and I was not that drunk. Tipsy, yes. I don;t go out anymore and planned a 30th with people i could trust. My friend B* totld him to let me do my thing and what I remember after her going out to have a cigarette was Natalie* and I on my bed, and Josh* turning to the bathroom however he started touching and being inappropriate. I didn't like and Natalie" told him off and he wouldn't call a cab and was arguing to stay. She told him how inappropriate he was to come to my birthday party after his friends and had used and abused me in ways, and try to do the same. Then he made the comment about my shin. And within moments of Natalie" turning her head despite being right with me, in front of me on the bed, Josh* reached in and touched my vagina but couldn't get in because embarrassingly i had my period and that is when it was enough and no amount of fuss would stop this.
Knowing this now, a dangerous man with a dangerous mind, we should have called the police. He was reported later by myself, a month later, due to reasons I will go into detail with later. Natalie" grabbed her phone and said he doesn't pay for his uber home, she is going to get one and dosn't want have to pay so decide. He argued his phone was almost dead. I said to put it on the charger until an uber comes.
It was only about 2 minutes that the driver came and we got him out. Parts of me still feel ashamed about having this man there, and being told he touched my vagina many times and on top when i would turn away and things that you are victim blamed for by the police.
The next day was the day Harvey Weinstein scandal broke loose and the #metoo movement started. I felt so bad. I felt that I always attracted drama, but it was the wrong people. To find out he felt up a friend and was double shotting cocktails. This man was dangerous and it took validation and encouragement to report him, and the other friend of my ex but I did. My other incidents were so long ago, I felt helpless and the fact that i knew exactly these men were now. Apart from Facebook suggesting one and his name being brought up, my highschool party one, he could be anywhere. As for the other, no idea and only knew his "nickname" or name he went by. The fear you have even now, but back then just being called a slut because people decide to label you even if you aren't.
This second Josh* from my 30th is unable to be identified despite his name and social media. I do not have his phone number and know his location, but being a boarder and a Latin name, he is unable to be found.
Nothing happened and I fear for other women he manipulates as the "good and trustworthy friend" and does that too. But nobody seemed interested in stopping this. Not the people who know him, or have him on social media.
I understand not wanting to be involved if not a witness, but this is bad. And I can't comprehend that he is free and just behaving this way and so openly would have raped me and believes my shin showing is asking for it. This is just why they do it,. They know no penalties, nor an arrest takes place. They know they can get away with it in our system and I feel mad I let them at times. I didn't use courage or feel strong enough, or trust someone enough for help. But going into detail, feeling victim blamed for everything. For trusting someone, for drinking something, for not screaming loud enough, for going out and having a party or wearing a dress. Consent has no fine line. And I don't see why it is still seen by so many people as being told to take care of ourselves. What if we do? It is not the people we do not trust, or strangers most of the time. It's situations created by these monsters that put women in the situation as a victim and know what they are doing.
The police make it so hard, and the legal system is an absolute joke. Society has finally started exposing behaviours and saying 'FUCK NO!" but some much has to change and so many, if not all women, have some story, or more and of sexual harassment, sexual abuse, sexual assault, or more. Men do too and victims are equally as important. The shame they hide, the pain they feel, and to hear of stories of statutory rape in the media by a rape victim herself raping a 17 year old when she was 37 years old.

For a time of my life, between the ages of 19-20 mainly, I was promiscuous and every woman has a right to her body and her choices. But i did call myself a slut, and so did other people. My view on sex was warped. Believe me, I have had beautiful sex and loved it and the person it was with, but for a good time there, and apart from one night stands throughout time, I joked about being a slut and made my reputation worse and amongst friends I had made through a hard time. I made random and raare jokes about what happened to me. I felt I needed to be this way, even after much body hate and insecurity and to adulthood now, only trusting so few and remaining smaller in size. I had sufffered anorexia nervosa as a teenager before any of it happened. But eating disorders never go away completely once your body has become an object and mistreated by so many men, and you don't love it yourself and you cope with trauma in the most self loathing ways. You just want to numb and feel okay, and be normal. For so long, I couldn't figure out why I trusted so few. Or was so bad at judging characters, or just too nice and caring seemed to be the bad thing to be? Being told to not be so empathetic when it was a natural trait of mine, and I had innocent intentions helping people. I was told and reminded about my past as a "slut" but i feel that does not justify what happened before that, or after. Or even during if anything had i didn't want.
To lose yourself and self worth through such ways, it's obviously something people observe without insight and knowledge to your own true pain and it's hard to talk about, or you do and it's such a "oh okay" reaction because rape happens in so many ways. It's not all aggravated and it is a situation occurring without any witnesses generally.
It is the most shameful people, the most horrible and degrading. Sexual harassment alone made me avoid men , or 95% of them and I even had a snob reputation.
If we discuss sex, it's asking for it and our choices make us "whores" or "sluts", or if we don't, we are either a conquest, or objectified regardless, or a victim at some point.

I felt so bad because I had friends, some to mind, who went through a court case and it was a very savage rape. I didn't know her during the time and barely opened up about my experiences. I mentioned some, not details, never could until end of last year and i started talking to other victims and learning and talking to professionals. I know it has hurt by trust to men, and self along with many things nd te fact that we all need to talk about it, when we can evenutally feel we can talk about it. I felt mine was not important enough, because she had court and the photos taken and i just couldn't articulate the fact mine was bad, or I needed help too and I knew she had it so bad and I couldn't take it away and use my experiences over the top. I didn't know how to approach and professionally is definitely the way. I had stages of telling, to stages of not and avoiding, even denying or just using lighter terms.
I felt so tired of the story and the way people were, i remember the names, the betrayal and friends that accuse you of things to be a bitch. You are the victim, but also the one they like to blame. Or don't really know what to say or do not being at the sight watching.
I mean they will always blame the woman.
I don't know why men would sleep with a completely intoxicated woman and call that consent? or believe that being nice and friendly is flirting and leading them on?
It's time for the responsibility to be shifted on the rapists. Men who go out and prey on drunk and vulnerable women, or hang around dark areas lurking, they are predators and would rape and do rape and they just find their victim easier.
They know the laws and how to get away with it. But we are told to be safe and of everything - even cab and uber drivers home.
Nothing we do, wear, drink, behave like has any contribution to rapists and being rape. There are men I know who drink, who go out, who are confronted in the same situations and know consent and not to have sex with a woman passing out, or to stalk and harass or if she is intoxicated to go and get her to have sex with.
It is in the mind of the rapist alone. And when men wonder why women keep their head down now and don't say hello, back? Sorry to those that are innocent and friendly, but you have to understand why.
And support us