Here I am, I made another huge mistake
That life seems like a cycle, so much held at stake,
I turned 31, and I have had a bad 2 months that escalated again,
I am spending the last day of 2018 trying to stay strong, to fight and win,
That i fucked up today, i fucked up this month, and the last, and that's okay
We all fuck up, we all make mistakes and are misunderstood in some way,
But this time it's the ending of a year that was this tornado of events,
That through so much hope, came crashing waves of terror, and i lost my common sense
I greet darkness, my old friend like the song people always use.
But to me darkness lurks in the shadows of where light is shining, unable to diffuse.
I have this pain that attaches itself to my soul, that likes to weigh me into this same old hole
That the people I was friends with, blood related too, nowhere around me now,
and I feel so confused, or pause as to what I should go ahead and decide which part of my mind I am visiting wishes I do.
Which part is right? do i deserve a second chance? a third? a fourth or more? Take my proper medication, self care and time will heal all?
That being misunderstood, left to self reflect and heal after being sick, is normal and things can get better.
They had before, even this year, people come around when they know you're not a mess and maniac with a mind so fast and powerful it was overbearing people all around.
It's a reason, a mood disorder, people know by now.
That it takes time to prove that you're not a lunatic forever. Something snapped, you made the bad choices, you should have known better, but support was not there and you really just need to put it all in a letter.
That hospitals seem dull and dark, lonely and like nobody knows who you are anymore.
And that you can't find any comfort, or human contact, but you need to level out because you have walked through the flames of hell, and into the entrance door.
Manic as fuck, cycling so much, bad choices and not sleeping, then crashing into piles and weeping.
Too much for friends, they avoid you now and you spend the time alone afraid of how they may pity and not care.
Your mind just keeps going. You wish people knew the true part of you that is deeply, and truly there.
But some time inpatient, some levelling out and help is not much more than sedation and being alone right now, just with the proper kinds of ready for help.
A break away, to remember that health is important, mental health too in order to be doing okay.
But that's the first choice, the disaster and storm to the liberating breakthrough and hope of help.....
Or the second choice, humiliation and entrapment and shame is there to say hello. You fucked up and it's been awhile since you have one this serious. You managed to chase away at least 6 friends, only 1 family member contacts and you are naked and tearing up your bed.
That the self hate is not from the episode, or disorder, or itself. it's from self work and growing to a pile of ashes.
Unlike a phoenix, it's the fact that the friends you miss talking too, they can't stand the sight or thought of your existence right now.
Not even to say "happy new year" because well, back to the old days, manic and as painful to know as touching a flame in hell.
The sad part is, it's knowing you are not valued enough and that you get better for you, but support is the world and if you died right now, nobody would notice, no plans for tonight, no calls or events. You told people off, and they got you so wrong.
You know the most horrible pain is coming and it's not going to be long.
You want to have hope and know that stability and life will welcome you back its way.
People just couldn't handle your episode, but they know it's not forever and it's going to be okay.
That many times alone i had sat in hospitals and waited.
People don't call, text, they just don't know it's helpful, and you feel hated.
It's the fact that maybe nobody would miss you, or that you were not properly heard and that time keeps going on.
You want people to know that you meant what you meant, not intended more harm and that you feel you lost a purpose in being a friend.
That it's now to recover and look for hope, or to escape a different way.
But it's so hurtful that i have so much to want to rewind and relive and do another way, and be totally okay.
That life seems like a cycle, so much held at stake,
I turned 31, and I have had a bad 2 months that escalated again,
I am spending the last day of 2018 trying to stay strong, to fight and win,
That i fucked up today, i fucked up this month, and the last, and that's okay
We all fuck up, we all make mistakes and are misunderstood in some way,
But this time it's the ending of a year that was this tornado of events,
That through so much hope, came crashing waves of terror, and i lost my common sense
I greet darkness, my old friend like the song people always use.
But to me darkness lurks in the shadows of where light is shining, unable to diffuse.
I have this pain that attaches itself to my soul, that likes to weigh me into this same old hole
That the people I was friends with, blood related too, nowhere around me now,
and I feel so confused, or pause as to what I should go ahead and decide which part of my mind I am visiting wishes I do.
Which part is right? do i deserve a second chance? a third? a fourth or more? Take my proper medication, self care and time will heal all?
That being misunderstood, left to self reflect and heal after being sick, is normal and things can get better.
They had before, even this year, people come around when they know you're not a mess and maniac with a mind so fast and powerful it was overbearing people all around.
It's a reason, a mood disorder, people know by now.
That it takes time to prove that you're not a lunatic forever. Something snapped, you made the bad choices, you should have known better, but support was not there and you really just need to put it all in a letter.
That hospitals seem dull and dark, lonely and like nobody knows who you are anymore.
And that you can't find any comfort, or human contact, but you need to level out because you have walked through the flames of hell, and into the entrance door.
Manic as fuck, cycling so much, bad choices and not sleeping, then crashing into piles and weeping.
Too much for friends, they avoid you now and you spend the time alone afraid of how they may pity and not care.
Your mind just keeps going. You wish people knew the true part of you that is deeply, and truly there.
But some time inpatient, some levelling out and help is not much more than sedation and being alone right now, just with the proper kinds of ready for help.
A break away, to remember that health is important, mental health too in order to be doing okay.
But that's the first choice, the disaster and storm to the liberating breakthrough and hope of help.....
Or the second choice, humiliation and entrapment and shame is there to say hello. You fucked up and it's been awhile since you have one this serious. You managed to chase away at least 6 friends, only 1 family member contacts and you are naked and tearing up your bed.
That the self hate is not from the episode, or disorder, or itself. it's from self work and growing to a pile of ashes.
Unlike a phoenix, it's the fact that the friends you miss talking too, they can't stand the sight or thought of your existence right now.
Not even to say "happy new year" because well, back to the old days, manic and as painful to know as touching a flame in hell.
The sad part is, it's knowing you are not valued enough and that you get better for you, but support is the world and if you died right now, nobody would notice, no plans for tonight, no calls or events. You told people off, and they got you so wrong.
You know the most horrible pain is coming and it's not going to be long.
You want to have hope and know that stability and life will welcome you back its way.
People just couldn't handle your episode, but they know it's not forever and it's going to be okay.
That many times alone i had sat in hospitals and waited.
People don't call, text, they just don't know it's helpful, and you feel hated.
It's the fact that maybe nobody would miss you, or that you were not properly heard and that time keeps going on.
You want people to know that you meant what you meant, not intended more harm and that you feel you lost a purpose in being a friend.
That it's now to recover and look for hope, or to escape a different way.
But it's so hurtful that i have so much to want to rewind and relive and do another way, and be totally okay.
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