My Memoirs of Ana & Mia

I have never fit into the box this generation, or "millennials" are. I cannot connect to a photo, therefore do not use tinder. I am not into being a famous social status on social media, i post about astrology, deep issues, advocate issues people are afraid to talk about and post selfies that could be considered unique, and not typical. I don't put many friends up, i rarely go out anymore and have no close siblings, or earn a huge income to show off a life of travel, beach vacations and dreams. I do have dreams, i have connections (emotional and spiritually) and i have battled the grips of mental illness, sexual assault, loneliness, addiction and chronic pain. I refuse to let that make me become a stereotypical version, but i have to say i have let stigma grow by not being the person who had it under control. I hate people who feel they need to say love yourself first, or profound advice that is not anything to do with what you are feeling. I don't date for 3 months ...

Here I am, I made another huge mistake That life seems like a cycle, so much held at stake, I turned 31, and I have had a bad 2 months that escalated again, I am spending the last day of 2018 trying to stay strong, to fight and win, That i fucked up today, i fucked up this month, and the last, and that's okay We all fuck up, we all make mistakes and are misunderstood in some way, But this time it's the ending of a year that was this tornado of events, That through so much hope, came crashing waves of terror, and i lost my common sense I greet darkness, my old friend like the song people always use. But to me darkness lurks in the shadows of where light is shining, unable to diffuse. I have this pain that attaches itself to my soul, that likes to weigh me into this same old hole That the people I was friends with, blood related too, nowhere around me now, and I feel so confused, or pause as to what I should go ahead and decide which part of my mind I am visiting wish...

Have you ever looked down that dark alley way? The residents that hide their secret powers to escape each day? The drug that is running through their vein, The only part of life that is comfort for keeping them sane, Nothing else to get up for, no bed to sleep in at night, Life didn't begin this way, and it's been so much of a fight, That the people who call the cops and scream out 'JUNKIE, DIE' Misunderstood and demonised by society. Good people deep down, but a need to get high. Not knowing how to break a cycle that has become their lifeline, their way and their need From a joint, to a line, bottles of beer and to the crack pipe,  it all seems like an addicts greed But desperate for escape, or something more to breathe, comes the needle that enters the vain And to the devil , their soul has been sold and nothing to lose, nor nothing to gain Just the score of the usual, the habit that is their life. The addiction and toxicity. Being the drugs slave. No way...

You could spread your arms like wings and fly An audience is invisible and their pleas i don't hear To get down and back and that safety is near Like sounds far away, i dismiss the danger i am putting my life into by this moment i feel I felt free and capable and not held down by the fears people would feel I felt as powerful as an eagle to sore down and fly away Unaware of how detached my own mind had its own way I never thought who could catch me if i was to fall The thought of consequences were not there at all How a mental state had got me this way Found on a ledge, and just the other day Naked and looking for a lake to swim The heat and the mind that thoughts were racing so fast i needed to strip down to be bare A raving lunatic screaming for it to stop But a soul in great disarray No comfort or focus to save me from the last of my dignity, nobody to call the ambulance and make me sedate For time went on and i look back its too late I have supervision and...

rebeccaanne___ I tried to conceal the pain you made Behind a brave fabricate But you took the feeling from my soul And let me fall into a lonely hole I tried to hide the wounds by using my body to sell my soul All my scars were burrowed deep inside And the painful sentiments that my heart yearned for and cried Memories of the girl that was strong, brave and a warrior To trust the wrong person, a man of evil, i couldn't be sorrier I didn't want this stupid trauma  I didn't want to be hiding in some dark corner You took away apart of my life, apart of who i was You made me lose my friends, you made me hide away from life You made me someone I couldn't recognise in the mirror You made me someone that no longer shone or could shimmer You are a beast, a bad man, a criminal and you're truly evil No amount of punishment could be pay back compared to the pain I have to conceal You don't deserve life on earth. You vulgar and misogynistic asshole You lied...

when you’re ready, when you’re there! REBECCA ADAMS · TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 20, 2018 An excuse is not a reason, but justifying something and living with humiliation is because you know actions and impulsive moves or messaging was completely random but self expressive. That trying to fix a problem can leave you remaining in limbo. Trying to fix and say sorry again, but then making it worse in your own mind and unsure how to rewind and put together the exact nail on the head words to hit the person and be able to be happy. It is misunderstood and intentions so good can be seen as a way someone decides to perceive. Humility becomes humiliation. Your mind is a million miles an hour. How did a conversation become so dominated by emotions and the past? How did your mind make you feel you were in a particular time and relive it again? Is it a dream? Or you confuse reality with your own mind and you say what you wish you said over and over. You learn too little, too late....

"Since the age of 9, i clenched my fists From the final post, a razor to the wrist Art comes from some kind of pain and you are the one driving yourself insane The monsters that live inside my head They control my thoughts, make me wish i was dead I can't pretend I have hope. I can't live a lie.  i leave you here, with my sincerest goodbye "